(I’m so behind on everything! TiVo is a blessing and a curse.)

Warning: episode spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk.

Plot Overview:
Jenny furiously makes clothes for her upcoming guerilla fashion show. (It doesn’t get any less ridiculous no matter how many times you say it.) She confides in Agnes that she’s totally into Nate, but he’s been ignoring her since last week’s makeouts. Nate is busy hanging out with Dan, who gets a text from Jordan—she’s the hottie TA from Yale, remember? She had three professors read Dan’s story, but the fact that she’s texting is probably not a good sign. Meanwhile, Serena and Blair meet with Elizabeth Boardman, an important Yale donor. Naturally she’s more interested in Serena’s “True Hollywood Story” lifestyle than in Blair. As a remedy, Serena suggests that Blair keep Elizabeth’s daughter Emma company while mom goes out. Doesn’t this have “terrible plan” written all over it? Shortly thereafter, Serena runs into Aaron and tells him that she remembers the whole fake marriage with licorice ring incident. Aaron says that the girl he left the opening with was just a friend—probably not the same friend who comes up and kisses him while Serena’s still there. Aaron is kind of a ho.

Emma emerges from her room with an outfit change; suddenly she’s skanky! Her goal for the evening is to get drunk and party and get laid before her friend Muffy does. If Blair doesn’t comply, Emma will tell her mom that Blair, uh, got her drunk and let her party and got her laid. Dean Baraby (head honcho over at Yale) is like her uncle, so Blair will have to tread carefully. She asks Serena for advice, but S is consumed with looking at old camp photos of her and Aaron. Seriously? Then she pulls her head out of her ass and suggests that Blair bring Emma to a charity gala honoring the Basses, which is totally not the right place to get drunk and … well, you know the rest. Back on the less rich side of town, Dan and Nate run into Jenny as she’s leaving. Jenny tells the truth but swears him to secrecy and promises to tell Rufus after the show. Dan goes to Vanessa for advice, which sort of dissolves into Vanessa admitting she still has feelings for Nate. And then Rufus shows up.

Emma runs into Chuck (wearing a ridiculous amount of plaid). She’s excited to meet a Gossip Girl celeb—wouldn’t we all be?—but is miffed to learn the charity gala is for old people. Oh well. She’ll just have to seduce Chuck instead. While Serena is distracted by a gift from Aaron (OMG licorice ring!), Blair discovers that Emma is gone. Elsewhere, Nate tries to convince Jenny to wait for Dan before going to the show. His resolve doesn’t last long, and soon he’s leaving with her. Right before Dan, Vanessa and Rufus show up, naturally. Emma and Chuck get friendly in the backseat of a limo, but not that friendly. He returns home sans the trollop in training, then accompanies Blair and Serena to find her. Don’t worry: everyone on Gossip Girl is on alert! At the soon-to-be guerilla fashion show, Jenny outfits Nate with a fancy suit and convinces him to stay. She wants to find financial backers, which is why her fashion show is the same event as the charity gala honoring Lilly and Bart!

Serena is still talking about the damn licorice ring when she, Blair and Chuck arrive at the bar to find Emma. Emma’s flirting with some d-bag named Serge but quickly flees when confronted. Blair blames Serena for getting her into this mess, then it’s Chuck to the rescue: he spots Emma’s mom making out with not-her-husband. Blair dutifully snaps a photo. At the fashion show, Jenny runs into Lilly and is flustered until Nate shows up and claims Jenny as his date. Jenny doesn’t want to ruin Lilly’s special night, so Nate makes out with her. (Actually, it’s possible these two things are unrelated.) Ruh roh—a loyal Gossip Girl fan gets photographic evidence of the wrongness. Agnes gives lovable tech dweeb Stewart the music to play; looks like the guerilla fashion show (hah) is a go. But not if Rufus can stop it! He’s mad at Dan for not telling him sooner, although Dan is more interested in the most recent post on Gossip Girl featuring his new BFF tongue-kissing his sister. He shuts the screen before Rufus or Vanessa can see.

Vanessa and Dan argue a bit about Nate’s morals, or the lack thereof! When they (plus Rufus) arrive at the gala, Lilly lets them in and they split up to avert the impending disaster. Meanwhile at the bar, Blair thinks of the photo as her golden ticket, but Serena convinces her to save Emma from devirginizing before blackmailing her way into Yale. Sensible advice. Back at the gala, Dan throws Nate up against his wall and invokes his whoring ways as a reason he’s not good enough for Jenny. Surprisingly, Nate takes this quite well, even when Dan tells him he has to move out of the Humphrey home. And Blair and Chuck rescue Emma from debauchery. Chuck tells her to read Gossip Girl where it’s revealed that Muffy already lost her virginity! Defeated, Emma agrees to leave. On her way home, Serena calls Aaron and hears a voicemail explanation—the girl who kissed him is totally not his girlfriend. Except then another girl picks up the phone. How many times can this happen?

At the gala, Nate tells Jenny that her family has arrived, and worst influence ever Agnes convinces her to go through with things. As Lilly and Bart are about to accept their award—LIGHTS OUT GUERILLA FASHION SHOW. The lights flash, Nate smirks and a bunch of models wearing J. Humphrey designs march out. Suddenly they’re throwing Polaroid business cards at the old rich people in the audience. Surprisingly, Lilly looks totally into it; she even dances! Thrilled by her success, Jenny runs to Nate and kisses him in plain view of Vanessa. Vanessa flees, and Jenny runs after her. At the same time, an indignant Rufus is on the lookout for his wayward daughter. And back on the Blair front, she and Chuck try to comfort Emma. Turns out Chuck had Gossip Girl post a bogus report about Muffy, not that they’d ever tell Emma that. Instead, Blair explains that sex is special; her first time was with someone she loved (in a limo, but that’s not the point). They bond over having awful, never-there moms.

Jordan calls Dan to let him know that none of the professors wanted to write him a rec. Sadness. Serena shows up just in time to see a miserable Dan whine about how he’ll never get into Yale. He realizes Jenny is the Humphrey with guts. Back to Emma and Blair: they return to the Boardman residence and find Elizabeth there waiting. She admonishes Emma for her skanky attire and late hours. Blair is about to make with the blackmail, but Elizabeth is a total bitch to her daughter, and Blair figures the family has suffered enough. Meanwhile, Rufus finds Jenny. Jenny’s proud that she’s achieved all her goals, while Rufus points out all the people she had to walk on to get there. Lilly arrives and Jenny apologizes, even though Lilly doesn’t seem too upset. Annoyed with everyone’s indifference, Rufus tries to get Jenny arrested, but Lilly insists she won’t be pressing charges and the officer is forced to let Jenny go. Damn.

Later, Chuck discovers that Nate is living in squalor. Rather than agree to move in with Chuck, Nate decides to leave and live with his mom. And while Serena tries to comfort Blair for not being evil, Blair gets a call from Dean Baraby. Emma spoke so highly of Blair that she might have a shot at Yale after all! Aaron shows up to ask Serena out, though it’s worth noting that he doesn’t actually explain why he has a harem. Things also work out for Jenny, who ends up on Page Six. Dan’s so inspired that he starts writing that story about Chuck for Noah Shapiro. Rufus points out that it’s important not to compromise your ideals for success. Dan doesn’t seem to take him so seriously and clues him in to the fact that Jenny’s moved out. End montage: Blair and Serena peruse the Yale course catalog, Nate mails a letter to Jenny, Dan mails his story to Noah and Jenny wanders the streets alone.

Character List:
We meet two Boardmans: Elizabeth, an awful woman, and Emma, her starved-for-attention daughter. Aaron continues to have way too many women in his life. Poor Stewart loves Agnes so much, he’s willing to potentially lose his job over it.

Themes and Symbols:
Blood. There might be some, apparently. I’m guessing it’s metaphor blood, since there is nary a fist fight in this episode.
Negligent mothers. Emma’s absent mom drives her to do crazy shit like almost lose her virginity to Chuck in the back of a limo. Blair’s absent mom … well, it’s sort of the same sitch, except Blair goes all the way.
Polaroids. Represent hipster street cred and are a totally great way to get people’s attention. However, the film is super expensive, so who knows how Jenny financed this.
Compromising one’s ideals. Jenny is willing to screw over Lilly, who doesn’t really deserve it, while Dan opts for Chuck, a much fairer target.

Important Quotations Explained:
“This body’s open for business.” – Emma. This is what happens when you’re mom’s not around to stop you from watching age-inappropriate shows. Like “Gossip Girl,” for example.
“Looks like you just hooked yourself a Bass.” – Chuck. A bass is a type of fish. Bass is also Chuck’s last name. Wordplay is the height of wit on this series.
“Spotted: Bass taking the bait—jailbait, that is.” – Gossip Girl. See above.
“It says ‘Muffy’s Muff Gets Stuffed’!” – Emma. And suddenly I feel completely dirty for watching this, although bonus points for the use of a completely outdated slang word for vagina.
“Poor Jenny: all that glamor almost led to the slammer.” – Gossip Girl. Puns are great, but if you can rhyme, you’re bound to be saying something profound.

Study Questions:
1. If we’re to assume that “penny jar” was a Gossip Girl joke, exactly how did Jenny finance her work?
2. Is statutory rape an issue for anyone on this show ever?
3. How is interrupting a charity gala going to get these stuffy rich people to want to back Jenny financially?
4. Why is Serena willing to accept Aaron’s series of non-explanations?
5. What if Dan’s problem isn’t his subject matter but rather that he’s just not a very good writer?