Monday, November 17
7 p.m. “First Class All the Way” on Bravo. Um, I’ll take a romantic weekend in Napa, thanks.
8 p.m. “Gossip Girl” on The CW. What does a “Gossip Girl” Thanksgiving consist of? Fingers crossed for a fist fight in formal wear!
9 p.m. “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ on TLC. Screw “Heroes.” Also, it’s fitting that this episode—in which Jon and Kate renew their wedding vows—is called “For Better or For Worse.”
10 p.m. “Scream Queens” on VH1. Watch it tonight and guess what Joel McHale will mock on Friday’s episode of “The Soup.”

Tuesday, November 18
7 p.m. “Living With the Wolfman” on Animal Planet. Much to my disappointment, still not about lycanthropes.
8 p.m. “My Shocking Story” on TLC. But! This is about kids with a rare genetic condition known as “werewolf syndrome.” Huzzah!
9 p.m. “The Mentalist” on CBS. I hear this is good, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re probably not watching it.
10 p.m. “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” on VH1. Remember what I said about “Scream Queens”? The same applies here.

Wednesday, November 19
7 p.m. “Sandwich Paradise” on The Travel Channel. When did this channel become The Food Network, except more awesome?
8 p.m. “America’s Next Top Model” on The CW. And the new. America’s. Next. Top. Model. Is. If Tyra ever finishes her sentence, we just might find out!
9 p.m. “Private Practice” on ABC. Um, this show is awful, but Billy Dee Williams and Alexis Denisof are guest starring.
10 p.m. “Dirty Sexy Money” on ABC. Letitia hits a bicyclist with her car. Because she needs more legal troubles?

Thursday, November 20
7 p.m. “Jeopardy!” on ABC. Is it just me, or are the teens in this tournament getting dumber?
7:30 p.m. “Next” on MTV (rerun). Guilty pleasure viewing FTW.
8 p.m. “Smallville” on The CW. Hey, it’s Doomsday! Er, the character, not the event.
9 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy” on ABC. “A routine surgery goes awry.” How … surprising?
10 p.m. “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew” on VH1. VH1 totally has a monopoly on high-quality trash reality TV.

Friday, November 21
7 p.m. “True Life” on MTV (rerun). Acne sucks, but I’m curious as to how it’ll fill up this whole hour.
8 p.m. “Whale Wars” on Animal Planet. As if this show weren’t awesome enough, the episode is called “International Incidents R Us.”
9 p.m. “What Not to Wear” on TLC. Recap episode! I’ve probably seen all the footage they’re recapping, but, you know, still.
10 p.m. “Say Yes to the Dress” on TLC. Dealing with a bridesmaid on a power trip sounds like the best job ever.
10:30 p.m. “Family Guy” on The CW (rerun). Gay marriage episode—timely.

Saturday, November 22
7 p.m. “100 Million BC” on The Sci-Fi Channel. Soldiers go back and time and accidentally unleash a dinosaur on Los Angeles. Thank you, Sci-Fi, for once again making my Saturday.
9 p.m. “Lost City Raiders” on The Sci-Fi Channel. I know, I know, I’m predictable. But come on. Ian Somerhalder is scandalously hot.

Sunday, November 23
7 p.m. “Joined for Life: Abby and Brittany Turn 16″ on TLC (rerun). I’ve seen this several times, and I still don’t get how they can drive!
8 p.m. “I Was Bitten” on The Discovery Channel. Alas, not by a vampire.
9 p.m. “Squid Invasion” on The Discovery Channel. No idea, but I’m sold by the title.
10 p.m. “Forbidden Love: Geisha” on TLC. “I want a life that is mine!” And I want an hour-long program about geishas.