I feel as though this one is pretty self explanatory, and if you’re still shaky on the basic premise, well, there’s really not much that I can say for your sense of morals. That being said, I’ll start with a reflection.

Back when we were mere pipsqueaks, our parents taught us not to take what isn’t ours. For the most part, I think that they told us this in the hopes that they wouldn’t have to check our pockets every time we walked out of a shop (why storeowners continue to place trinkets within arms reach of children, I have no idea). But also, because, they genuinely believed that stealing is just plain wrong.

Years later and a few inches taller, I think the same basic principle can be applied to the world of pursuing a romantic interest. It’s common courtesy: if someone is already in a relationship, you should probably direct your desirous attentions elsewhere. I realize that we can’t always help whom we fall for, but we can exercise some control over whom we actively pursue. If you’re lusting over a guy who’s not only attractive, but single too, then score. If not: you can either wait around for his current relationship to end (which can be a long and oftentimes tedious process—and then there’s always that possibility that they will be that one couple that are together forever) or, you can go for someone else, someone unattached. It’s like those pre-movie public service announcements condemning piracy—you wouldn’t steal a purse, so why would you steal someone’s boyfriend?

The IT Crowd - Anti-piracy ad [erickjfrost]

On Thursdays I’m taking the liberty of playing Monday Morning Quarterback. For these posts I’ll take the opportunity to add another part to my column, criticize myself, respond to comments and/or do whatever else I feel like doing.

One tidbit of the interview that I wasn’t able to include in the column because of space limitations:

Mustafa Shaikh: Do the same laws for alcohol usage apply to marijuana?

Kevin Beecham: Not really. The thing about marijuana is I would think it’d be really hard to prove that a woman was so high that they couldn’t resist. Alcohol is a different beast.

Somebody can get really sick, really drunk and kind of lose control of themselves when they’re drinking alcohol. I haven’t really seen that with marijuana.

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I laughed at the fact that all of the comments I got from this week’s edition were in reference to the preface to the actual meat of the column. Do any of you guys actually have a reaction to rape laws?

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LOL Bob Dole. First off, your comment was hilarious. Second off, the response to your comment  from the reader defending me was even funnier. Third off, I already said I would buy you a beer in my last Thursday Morning Quarterback.

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I feel like it has been a very tough transition from a lusty female who so delicately described her feelings mid-dorm-shower-sex, to a (for starters) male who has not given any recount of emotional sex …

What about raw, organic sex where the only intoxicant is the smell of each other’s skin, the heat of the other’s breath on your neck, and that tingling sensation down even every muscle fiber of your body…. Ah, R.I.P. Carmel…

What is this, a Harlequin romance novel? Anyone can write that stuff. Note:

“I recall this one-time after a most romantic evening in which I followed the  loveliest of ladies down to my basement. Her footsteps echoed through the corridor and only heightened the anticipation for what was about to transpire.

I continued to follow her with my ever watchful almond-shaped eyes. For a few seconds I dared to shutter my eyes just so I could be led on by the utter sweet fragrance that drifted from her auburn hair. After those few fleeting moments I was forced by my innards to gaze my eyes back on her for the emotions conjured up by her hair were too powerful for me to dwell on.”

Not too bad huh? And that was after five minutes.

I think you actually inspired me to write a column. I’m going to base it on sex elitists who are of the belief that if sex isn’t taking you to some higher level of being, you’re doing it wrong.

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At the very beginning of the semester, the Berkeley chapter of the National Organization for Women (BNOW) distributed fliers all around campus that read in big, bold letters: I Consensual Sex, followed by the definition of the word, “consent.” For about a week, I saw these fliers everywhere—one of my friends even took a flier, cut off and threw away the half with the definition, then taped the remaining half onto his door as a joke. I have to admit, I cracked a smile whenever I walked past his room.

The fact of the matter, though, is that when it comes to sex, consent is no joke. It’s pretty serious stuff, actually, mainly because, without consent, you’ve got yourself a rape case. There’s no way to put a humorous spin on a topic this serious, because there are some truly scary statistics regarding college rape, like these ones, courtesy of Bates College:

-One of every four women will be sexually assaulted while on a college campus

-One out of every eight women will be raped while they are attending university/college

-Over 80 percent of women who were raped knew their assailant

With stats like those, it’s important to know exactly what constitutes as sexual consent, so again, I’ll look to the BNOW fliers. They define consent as “to actively and willingly participate in any given activity, without coercion or force.” Pretty straight forward, right? But to be safe, no matter what sort of intimate situation you’re in, I’d leave all assumptions at the door; just because someone hasn’t explicitly said no, does not mean that they’ve said yes.

Image Source: anitasarkeesian under Creative Commons

Are you in a monogamous relationship?

Are you interested in helping out Sex on Tuesday?

If you answered yes to both questions then you’re a prime candidate to take an anonymous survey. Here’s the way it works.

I’m trying to do a piece on the masturbation habits of couples. Since this is a touchy subject for some people I’m making this a completely anonymous survey.

Send me your and your partner’s e-mail addresses. I’ll forward those e-mail addresses to a second person who will give each survey taker an individual pin number.

Neither me, nor your partner will know the answers to the survey that you give because you will only be identifiable by your pin number.

Shoot me an e-mail at mshaikh@dailycal.org if you’re interested in helping out.

The air is getting colder, the leaves are starting to turn, and overpriced miniature pumpkins are for sale at that little produce stand on Sproul. Autumn has arrived. And with this glorious season comes that much-beloved holiday, Halloween.

As strange as it may seem, whenever I hear someone mention Halloween, I immediately think of slutty costumes. Actually, my first thought is more along the lines of Free Candy! But slutty costumes are a really close second. As soon as October rolls around, people begin to use “so what were you dressed as for Halloween?” as their conversation-starter of choice (a welcome change from “what’s your major?” in my opinion). And chances are, if you’ve asked a girl, her answer will be “a sexy (enter any costume idea, here).” It seems as though no one is ever just a normal nurse or a police officer. No, no, it’s got to be a naughty nurse or a dirty deputy. Yeah, those are actual costume names; I looked them up online. Something about being able to dress up for an evening of wild partying—wait, so how is this not exactly like every other Saturday night?—makes girls want to raise eyebrows and hemlines campus-wide.

Personally, I find costumes that joke about sex (plugs and sockets, one night stands, etc.) to be exponentially more entertaining than the mid-drift bearing, see-through versions out of which Legs Avenue makes a fortune. Clever without being too obvious always ranks higher in my book. I wasn’t at all surprised when that this past Halloween was no different than all the others—I saw my share of slutty schoolgirls and sultry sorceresses. But I can always hope that next year, all the ladies out there will be inspired to break the norm, and that will be a treat for sure.

Image Source: Librarian Avenger under Creative Commons

So you’re perusing the “Human Sexuality” section at Moe’s one afternoon, thumbing through a copy of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s “Venus In Furs.” Its margins are heavily annotated with interjections such as “Ahh!!” and “YES!!!” in distinctively masculine handwriting, especially next to the scenes detailing the protagonist Severin’s repeated requests to be whipped, beaten and called derogatory names by his lover Wanda. He also demands that she clothe her naked body with animal fur coats and little else.

You shut the book in terror, realizing that Sacher-Masoch’s work bares a troubling resemblance of your most recent romps in the proverbial hay. Suddenly a string of your boyfriend’s recent sexual requests flood your mind:

1. “But Baby, you promised to dress up like a Sexy Cat for Halloween again! Please? For me?
2. “I want to be the Richie to your Margot Tenenbaum.”
3. “Hit me harder next time?”
4. “Will you submerge me in a tub of boiling noodles, electric eels and live lobsters until I turn the shade of eggplant?”
5. “I’ll pay for your steak if you promise to put that machete to use tonight.”

If this list looks remotely familiar, we hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is probably a masochist. While masochism, especially at the college-male level, is incredibly difficult to cure, we might suggest you try to find him a new favorite holiday. Maybe one that doesn’t involve women dressing as promiscuous felines. Like Easter! Easter is wholesome. You get the candy without the kink.

Oh wait, bunnies are furry too.

Image Source: Zellaby under Creative Commons

On Thursdays I’m taking the liberty of playing Monday Morning Quarterback. For these posts I’ll take the opportunity to add another part to my column, criticize myself, respond to comments and/or do whatever else I feel like doing.

It’s funny, when I wrote this week’s column I fully expected people to misconstrue what I was writing.

All I did was write a simple piece about how alcohol and sex are intertwined in college life. People often drink to feel more comfortable interacting with others. Are you telling me this doesn’t exist?

Maybe you don’t want it to exist, but how can you hate on me for writing about the fact that it exists?

One more thing, I never said you should get someone else drunk to have sex with he/she.  I said you should have a couple drinks yourself. People are claiming that I condone raping people when the truth is the exact opposite is true.

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Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I received and my response. It encapsulates a lot of the ill-founded comments people were making.

Email:

1 - Alcohol is not fucking required to have sex or “lubricate” a so-called
relationship between a girl and a guy (btw, heterosexist MUCH?).
2 - Alcohol is primarily imbibed for social situations and people
generally do loosen up and have a great time. This is not a “free pass” to
do whatever you want. The presence of alcohol also does not automatically
mean that the space you are in is like a watering hole where the primary
purpose is to have sex. If someone is uncomfortable with talking about
sex, fucking respect their choice instead of being an invasive,
manipulative tart.
3 - One liners can be funny or pathetic. You don’t need any alcohol to say
them. And regardless of whether or not you’re drunk, initial perceptions
of you will still be the same. The downside to being drunk while saying
said one-liner is that there’s a higher chance of you slurring, throwing
up, and generally coming off as an unintelligible moron who can’t hold
his/her liquor or pick up people with class and dignity.
4 - Why is it assumed that only men are capable of being the assertive
figure?
5 - Any person who has to resort to getting a potential hook-up drunk in
order to make themselves look like an attractive OPTION is FUCKING
pathetic (yeah, sorry but there are many fish in the sea - you are not and
will never be the only choice nor the ultimate best one).

Any person who is so desperate to validate their own attractiveness and
“fuckability” that he/she has to get someone inebriated to do it seriously
has self-esteem issues and is abusive to him/herself and others in the
sense that that person is taking advantage of a person under substances
that impair judgment. In other words, IF YOU CAN’T FUCKING GET LAID BY A
SOBER PERSON, DEAL WITH IT INSTEAD OF GETTING THEM IN A STATE OF MIND
WHERE THEIR USUAL STANDARDS ARE COMPROMISED. IF YOU DON’T FIT THEIR
STANDARDS, FUCKING MOVE ON AND BE A MATURE.

Confidence issues are things to deal with SOBER. Self-esteem generally
builds up and is better retained when you aren’t feeling like your head is
filled with fizzy butterflies and when you aren’t validating your entire
attractiveness through the approval of the guy or girl across the room who
ISN’T looking at you.

The fact that you have to use alcohol for general courtship and intimacy
really does not say much beyond the fact that you are LACKING.

My Response:

Overall I’d like to throw out the general comment that you suffer from a bout of “Poor Reading Comprehensia.” The primary symptoms for “Poor Reading Comprehensia” are skipping over certain sentences, accusing the writer of something he does not put forth, and more than anything else, disregarding qualifiers when a statement is made (e.g. when I say “most” you assume I say “all”).

Exhibit A: “Alcohol is not fucking required to have sex or “lubricate” a so-called relationship”

Did I say that? Let me go back and check.

“Alcohol is a necessary social lubricant for most college-aged students, male and female-without it we would be stuck in a perpetual state of sexual frustration.”

(Go back and reread the sentence again.) Note the second definition.

“Frankly speaking, though, if you want to raise your batting average a little, I suggest shotgunning a few beers before you head out.”

Which means that you’re already getting laid, and if you want to go out and play the field a little more, take a shot or two.

Exhibit B1: “This is not a “free pass” to do whatever you want.”

Where did I write such a comment? And why is free pass in quotes? That would imply that I typed such words when I clearly did not.

Exhibit B2: “If someone is uncomfortable with talking about sex, fucking respect their choice instead of being an invasive, manipulative tart.”

OK thanks for the memo. Where did I write anything on the lines of “be persistent because no means no except when it means yes?” (I really want to make the joke “Did you get the director’s cut edition of my column,” but given the fact that you have nothing to prove that I’m, well I have no idea, whatever you think I am, you could actually use that statement and say, “Ha finally here’s proof.” So I’ll refrain from using said statement outside of parentheses.)

Exhibit C1: “One liners can be funny or pathetic. You don’t need any alcohol to say them.”

Thank you Captain Obvious (applause rains down from the heavens). No one needs whey protein after they work out, but they still use it, right? Why do they use it? Well because it helps them reach their goal.

People don’t need alcohol to say a one-liner. Booze, however, does help them build up the courage to say a one-liner.

Exhibit C2: “The downside to being drunk while saying said one-liner is that there’s a higher chance of you slurring, throwing up, and generally coming off as an unintelligible moron who can’t hold his/her liquor or pick up people with class and dignity.”

Hence why I wrote,

“the only thing I can advise you to do is drink up, within reason”

“I’m not saying get to the point where you’ll become belligerent or-God forbid-suffer from a bout of whiskey dick.”

(Note to self: Whenever you write “I’m not saying” people always skip over the sentence. Next time figure out a way to rephrase “I’m not saying” and have people understand that you don’t actually mean what people might think you mean.)

Exhibit D: “Why is it assumed that only men are capable of being the assertive figure?”

I’m sorry I can’t account for every single situation. The vast majority of the time, men are the ones kicking off the conversation.

Exhibit E1: “Any person who has to resort to getting a potential hook-up drunk in order to make themselves look like an attractive OPTION is FUCKING pathetic”

Where did I write anything about getting a potential hook-up drunk? Please find me the line … (Jeopardy music plays in the background) … Didn’t think so. All I wrote about was liquoring yourself up.

Exhibit E2: “IF YOU CAN’T FUCKING GET LAID BY A SOBER PERSON, DEAL WITH IT INSTEAD OF GETTING THEM IN A STATE OF MIND WHERE THEIR USUAL STANDARDS ARE COMPROMISED. IF YOU DON’T FIT THEIR STANDARDS, FUCKING MOVE ON AND BE A MATURE.”

(Refer to Exhibit E1) … Do I even have to respond to this?

Exhibit F: “The fact that you have to use alcohol for general courtship and intimacy really does not say much beyond the fact that you are LACKING.”

Bear with me for a second. Think of four of your friends. According to the statistics from the survey, you just said that three of them are lacking. OK fine I’m lying and misconstruing your words. So give me a mulligan. You just said that three of them are LACKING.

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Many people I now - because of this article, are not going to apply/transfer to Cal anymore

Isn’t that a good thing? Don’t we want people with good reasoning and reading skills at U.C. Berkeley?

Or is it that these potential Berkeley students are afraid that if they come to Berkeley they will drink and have sex? Not like that happens at every other college in the world in which drinking alcohol is an accepted social practice.

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I love the new guy and think he’s really funny, especially all of the sports puns, however i wish the editor would have stepped up and said that writing this article could be potentially harmful to the daily cal’s reputation as seen below.

“We live in a culture that views open discussions about sex as taboo.”

A major college newspaper runs articles every tuesday about taking shots in the mouth and sperm taste. if this is not open discussion I don’t know what is.

If sex isn’t taboo why don’t people start putting their names with their comments instead of hiding behind “Guest?” Why is it that when I’m searching for someone to do a podcast with on Sex on Tuesday, people decline left and right because they don’t want anyone to recognize their voice?

Just a thought.

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The expression is “broach the subject” (not “breach”) although maybe you’re right, maybe you are actually “breaching” the subject with this column.

God dammit. OK on the original version it read “broach the subject.” I always e-mail my column the night before editing to my boy Matt so he can look over it. He told me that he doesn’t think it’s “broach” and that it’s “breach.” My bad and Matt’s bad.

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Rather bad timing for a column topic, considering the news out of Richmond High yesterday.

While my heart goes out to the girl and her family, and I hope the bastards behind the crime get sentenced to life in jail, what do the events at Richmond High have to do with the column?

There is a vague connection because both involved drinking, however, I advocate restraint when drinking.

I’m not saying get to the point where you’ll become belligerent

Additionally, nowhere in the article do I advocate rape.

By your logic, a newspaper shouldn’t publish a story about people driving cars if an accident happens the day before in which someone is seriously injured or killed. Am I right?

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Bob Dole (the guy who comments on my columns, not the politician), whoever you are, you are a really smart person. Please drop me an e-mail some time so I can buy you a beer.

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Someone brought up a discussion as to what is the purpose of “Sex on Tuesday.” Someone else responded that is was started by sex counselors at the Tang Center.

Now I have no idea whether that’s true or not, either way, I talked to my editor about the purpose of the column.

Her response was that we’re not the Tang Center. The column is supposed to be informative, educational and entertaining. “Girl, What You Drinkin’?” accomplishes all of those objectives.

For the record, she actually likes what I write.

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Will, the editor in chief of the Daily Cal, wanted me to mention that consent must be made before having sex. I thought this was obvious--my bad for not explicitly writing it out.

Whether you’re tipsy, high or sober, consent is always required.

Check back next week. I’m going to get a hold of a legal professional and ask him about issues of consent in relationship to intoxication.

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First of all, I hope most people are at Cal for a reason higher than getting laid, so the idea of not drinking because you have a midterm coming should not be frowned upon as someone being meek and antisocial

I never said it should be frowned upon. I just said that the chance of you getting laid will go down.

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Picture this: you’re at a party, you’ve had a few drinks, and you’re feeling good. The music’s pumping, cute boys are abundant, and by golly, one of them is even coming over to talk to you right now! (OK, I would normally say feel free to adjust the genders of these hypothetical characters so that the scenario is most applicable to your own sexual preferences, but in this case, it’s kind of critical that the suitor has a penis. Straight girls and gay men, this one’s for you.) He polishes off his fifth beer, you quickly smooth out your hair and drain the screwdriver you’re holding, and the conversation commences. After a few arbitrary exchanges (hey, hi, how’s it going?, pretty well, etc.) you and your new-found friend start dancing, and things begin to heat up. He leads you to his room and the two of you stumble over to the bed, removing each other’s clothes along the way. You’re ready, you’re waiting, and … he can’t get it up.

Congratulations, you’ve just been on the receiving end of whisky dick. Whisky dick—otherwise known as guys who drink themselves into such a stupor that they can’t even get hard—isn’t completely uncommon in the college scene (so guys, if you’re blushing right now, just know that you’re not alone). Call me crazy, but it might have something to do with the fact that we drink like fish.

Alcohol. It’s a lot like lube—the right amount makes everything glide smoothly, but too much, and you’ve got yourself a slippery mess. By all means, have a beer or two if that’s what you need to loosen up, but drinking in excess does put your machinery at the risk of being temporarily out of order. Everyone’s got their own threshold; the perfect amount that lowers your inhibitions just enough to help you out. Find yours, and you can’t go wrong.

Image Source: organic.matter under Creative Commons

via SMBC Theater.

The other day, while browsing the Web and searching for ideas to blog about, I stumbled across a true gem. Despite the fact that it was a bit more scientific than I typically go for, I was fascinated. This article that I found delved into the mysterious realm of the human senses. You know how people talk about the senses being more powerful than we realize and how we say things like dogs and horses can smell fear? I’ll do you one better: according to what I read, humans can smell sex.

That’s right, ladies and gents, our sniffers are good for more than just telling us when Mom’s baking a batch of cookies. In fact, they can actually decipher when someone is aroused or not. Here’s how it works: Have you ever noticed that when you’re around a person that you’re truly attracted to, you get a little nervous and maybe even a little bit sweaty? Well, that sweat—you know, the kind that we specifically layer on the pre-date deodorant to avoid—contains pheromones (bodily chemicals that elicit responses in the opposite sex). Studies have shown that men and women alike are able to notice the difference between the sweat that results from a good long gym session and the sweat that we exude when aroused. These little chemical signals hiding in our sweat are just waiting to call our bluffs and reveal our true intentions.

So next time you find yourself wondering whether or not the hottie in your morning lecture is in to you, try something other than decoding the subtle hints of his or her body language. Instead, see if you can get close enough for a whiff—it could tell you all you need to know.

Image Source: publicenergy under Creative Commons